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Presentation Slides & Transcript
Presentation Slides & Transcript
THE KARDASHIANS ARE BASICALLY THE BALDWINS
an unnecessary study presented in an unnecessary slideshow
When I say "The Kardashians", I'm referring to the siblings (Kim, Khloe, Kourtney, and Rob). THIS DOES NOT INCLUDE the batshit crazy ringmaster (Kris), or the Jenners (Kylie, Kendall, and Bruce).
At first Kris was bummed she wasn't going to be in the slideshow. Then she pulled a hundred dollar bill out of her back pocket and used it to wipe her tears.
Scott Disick is not included either, even though he's got Baldwin quality hair and his eyes are Baldwin Blue.
TRUE STORY: I just googled "Scott Disick biological father". Even though there is virtually no evidence supporting this, I think the dude's got a little Baldwin in him (that was not a gay joke).
Don't start with that "the Kardashians don't have any talent" shit. That isn't what this is about.This is about media presence/level of celebrity/pop cultural importance. And the Kardashians are everywhere right now, like the Baldwins were in the 90s.
And besides, even though he IS talented, it isn't like Alec Baldwin was so revered for his acting talent. It was mostly because of this...
IN THE 90S
The Baldwins were a cultural sensation!
All of them were making stupid amounts of money- even the chubby one!
"Baldwin" was synonymous with "hottie"!
In the movie Clueless, Cher describes her dreamboat stepbrother (Paul Rudd!) as being "kind of a Baldwin".
The Kardashians are a cultural sensation!
All of them are making stupid amounts of money- even the chubby one!
"Kardashian" isn't just a last name- it's a multimillion dollar brand!
E! just dropped $40 million to keep up with the Kardashians for 3 more years.
The Kardashians are to the 2010's what the Baldwins were to the 90's:
each member is a household name
as a family, they're insanely bankable
THERE IS A DEFINITE FAMILIAL HIERARCHY.
ESTIMATED NET WORTH: KARDASHIANS 2011
ESTIMATED NET WORTH: BALDWINS 2011
NOTE: I couldn't find records of their net worth in the 90s, but I assume the proportions were generally the same. Alec was probably worth less than he is now, but still more than his brothers
THE RANKINGS: cont'd
IT FOLLOWS THAT:
KIM is the ALEC BALDWIN of the KARDASHIANS.DANIEL is the KHLOE KARDASHIAN of the BALDWINS.
And so on. And the similarities don't stop at net worth...
KIM KARDASHIAN =
Kim and Alec are the Alphas of their families, and the reason their high-profile families are high profile.
Alec is a regular in People's Sexiest Man Alive issue. Kim regularly makes lists of the hottest/sexiest women alive (FHM, Maxim).
Kim is arguably as successful a model as Alec was an actor in the 90s (it's too early to see whether her career will have the same longevity).
Both have been rumored to be considering running for mayor in 2012.
Which one is which???
KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN = BILLY BALDWIN
Kourtney and Billy are the Silver Medal Siblings- not necessarily the superstars, but nothing to sniff at.
Billy is a less successful actor than Alec, but is critically respected, and could conceivably have had a modest career without Alec's fame. Kourtney, the only female Kardashian to graduate college (and the first of them to be on a reality tv show) could conceivably have been successful without Kim's fame.
Kourtney and Billy lead the least scandalous lives of their siblings.
KHLOE KARDASHIAN = DANIEL BALDWIN
Daniel and Khloe are the coattails kids- entertaining? Maybe, but there's no way you'd have heard about them if it wasn't for their siblings.
Both have famously struggled with their weight.
Both have been arrested while intoxicated. Khloe drove drunk. Daniel ran through a hotel shouting "BAAALDWIIN" (awesome) while fucked up on cocaine (not awesome).
Both have more television/film appearances than their silver medal siblings, but both make slightly less money.
ROB KARDASHIAN = STEPHEN BALDWIN
Rob and Stephen are the wildcard family members- they're unpredictable. Stephen does a critically acclaimed performance in The Usual Suspects, then turns around and stars in Viva Rock Vegas. Then he becomes crazy religious. Rob dances with some stars, designs some socks, and then decides to go all Elle Woods on everybody's ass and give law school a shot. What's the fucking difference? They're both already millionaires.
KIM = ALEC (alphas)
KOURTNEY = BILLY (silver medals)
KHLOE = DANIEL (coattail kids/ sometime chubbos)
ROB = STEPHEN (wildcards)
KARDASHIANS = BALDWINS
I just thought this slideshow could use a little Bruce Jenner.
I SPENT LIKE, 2 HOURS MAKING THIS.